"But why now?"
was the question the mental health specialist asked at least three times. Good question...
I want to function better day to day. Because I am happy now - but I was happy before and I woke up one day and threw a grenade in to that happiness and destroyed it. Because I know however fine I am now... that it is not permanent. It's not a guarantee - and I have no way of knowing when I will 'not' be ok. It won't be when someone dies or a tragedy strikes, it won't be when I the sun is shining or it's my birthday. It will be a mundane Monday of monotonousness - and kaboom - hopelessness will arrive at my door. Knock, knock.
Yes ... but why NOW? If you have suffered from depression / bipolar in your opinion - for so many years and not wanted help?
It's so hard to answer - I want to live a more even life? I want to finally 'solve' this problem.
Yes - but why now?
The answer is because I am currently 'well' enough, 'strong' enough to ask for help.
The problem evidently is that I am 'too well' to be referred for help. I am well enough to ask for help - but in order to receive help - I need to be ... 'sicker'. What a depressing catch 22.
I explained a huge problem of mine was that when I was 'down' I literally can't go out - try as I might, I can't get out of my house.
I explained that if it was a 'down' day I wouldn't have come for this appointment as I wouldn't have been able to leave the house -
and if I was 'high' I wouldn't have come for this appointment as I would not consider myself in need of any help - because I am better than all of you! I am the most 'well' person on the planet and I am having so much fun!
She understood. She referred me for further help. An appointment the following week. The date rolled around.
I couldn't go.
I couldn't leave the house.
It was a down day.
A depressing catch 22.